The hero of this piece is my coachee (client), a 27-year-old man. A mathematician and analyst. A logician, a rationalist. He quantifies everything, always. Right now his main passions are his work, and cars. Because of how different we are and how differently we see things, we sometimes argued in our sessions — and I confess I always enjoyed arguing with him.
He told me how things have been going for him since coaching.
Why would I need coaching?
*Ekaterina (E): Hi! We’re finally talking!*
Coachee (C): Yes, only took us half a year, as you said.
*E: Listen, about the questions — there won’t be any dramatic ones, and even if there are, you don’t have to answer.* *I’m curious how your life and circumstances have been going since coaching. Tell me, why did you come and what did you leave with in the end?*
C: Well, I wanted to understand what I need to do and what I want to do in life. I wanted to find my calling. But you couldn’t just tell me what I should do. And you couldn’t steer me to the answers either. I needed to find somewhere the confidence and strength to answer these questions for myself and solve the problem. To find a resource that had been suppressed and was keeping me from working out what I actually want.
I found it and I’m using it now. That said, I can’t say it’s now 100% clear what I’ll be doing. No, I didn’t sign up for a course. I didn’t look for a new job.
My current job brought me new responsibilities, new experience and practice anyway.
I started to feel more confident in my current position. I began to feel more like a professional.
Right now I’m not thinking about any big global prospects. Current work has taken over all my ideas and future plans.
*E: It sounds as though you’re satisfied with what you have — your current job, your responsibilities — and you don’t need anything else. Or not?*
C: With work, yes, that’s right. But not with my personal time. Then again, work can be like a hobby, can’t it? Something that brings both pleasure and money. We talked about that.
*E: How’s work? Back during coaching you were offered new responsibilities and a new position.*
C: My responsibilities have grown a lot. I can’t say I’m like a fish in water yet, but I feel confident. I’ve been given a new employee to train. I’m bringing him up to speed on all the processes. Sometimes I stand in for my managers at meetings. I’ve started making decisions for them. I like it.
My job title hasn’t changed. Only my salary — upwards, of course (laughs). That’s great. I’m gaining experience.
*E: We did exactly 10 sessions together. And some people don’t manage that many. Were there moments when you thought: “That’s it, I can’t do this any more, why bother? What’s the point?”*
C: No. Nothing like that. Sometimes I felt pressure from outside. As if a teacher had set you homework and you hadn’t done it, and you know they’ll ask for it, and you sit there thinking: any minute now they’ll ask me and I don’t know anything. I didn’t like that feeling; it’s unpleasant. I don’t know whether it gave me anything or not.
*E: Did you talk to me about it, mention it? I don’t think you did?*
C: No, I did tell you. And it was after that that I felt calmer.
*E: So after you talked it through with me, the feeling went away.*
C: Yes — interesting!
One client’s story
*E: And who do you think needs coaching, and who doesn’t?*
C: Let’s start with who doesn’t: if you don’t want to do anything, then don’t — don’t do it. If something isn’t right, if you feel some constant dissatisfaction, then you should. Even if it’s the bare minimum, it’s worth doing. Because over these six months I’ve thought back to coaching a few times and thought that 10 sessions is, of course, not much. But at the same time it was enough for me. I used to go to a psychologist for therapy — for about a year without a break — but I can’t even remember what we discussed. It turns into some kind of routine. I didn’t understand at all what it was giving me. Now, after 10 sessions, I can say clearly what the benefit was and what it changed. For me personally, these intervals and this kind of time-limited work are more tangible.
I can’t say it was hard — I mean, you told me it might be hard, that there would be resistance. Some questions I resolved in coaching quite quickly and simply. I mean, I can think about something and go round in circles for a long time, but with expert help I sorted it out in two or three sessions.
Yes, some questions may need longer work and preparation, and more energy. It’s just that you never know how much — or which question will take more or less energy.
*E: Can you give an example of something you worked through quickly and simply?*
C: Well, inner confidence, exactly. I never thought you could gain so much inner resource in such a short time. It never even crossed my mind that in ten sessions I could learn to make decisions faster and be more confident. You can’t measure it in numbers — I used to make 3 decisions and now I make 8 — but you can just feel it.
I think it’s different for everyone. But 10 sessions is doable for anyone.
*E: Thank you so much for sharing, and for trusting me with your resources and energy!*
Interestingly, the client came to me after he felt that long-term work with a psychologist no longer made sense. Therapeutic work is considered necessary when a client has no resources for achievement, has painful memories and losses in the past, and certain symptoms.
In general, the criterion for ending work with a psychotherapist is exactly this loss of meaning — when memories of the past no longer have destructive power. Therapy is meant to let you live through feelings and losses and find new meaning in the past, so that you have the strength to look to the future and take concrete steps towards your goal. It is precisely this moment — when you lose interest in your past and turn to your future — that is the best time to go to a coach.
My task as a coach here was to build inner support and strengthen the client’s “I”, his Ego. To focus on helping him learn to notice himself, his feelings and their value. To reduce the power and demands of the Superego, which forbade him to be spontaneous and made him obey rules and worry about what society, or certain significant others, would say. Such problems are typical of the vast majority of mentally healthy people — those whom professional psychologists call neurotics.
In psychoanalytic coaching we make active use of associations and projective techniques; as a coach I invite the client into a new way of thinking — that is the nature of working in the psychoanalytic approach.
Together we looked for speed and drive in the client’s work — as when driving, as in racing. Since he loves cars, cars were the path to his spontaneous, creative side.
We looked for points of support in the past — events and moments in his life when he had taken a risk and been rewarded for it.
He discovered his own value through his relationship with me — someone accepting and on an equal footing, to whom he could talk about whatever caused discomfort within the working alliance we had formed as coach and client. Gradually, by becoming aware of how long he had spent in the role of the devalued, convenient straight-A student, the client learned to value himself. He realised his uniqueness — for himself and for others.
