In this article we look at how the nature of marriage and relationships is changing. Understanding these changes can help you find the resources to overcome difficulties and build a harmonious relationship even in our times.
“Freedom and independence are not the opposites of love,
but its most important components.”
*Attributed to Antoine de Saint-Exupéry*
A crisis of meaning
It can seem that people today have no time for relationships at all. Men find support in their friends, and women declare that they can do without men.
We find ourselves in the middle of a “crisis of meaning”: the old models of relationships no longer work, and new ones have not yet taken shape. Everyone tries to find a balance between tradition and reality, but the divorce statistics speak for themselves — many don’t succeed.
Independence and self-fulfilment have become love’s rivals. This often leads to loneliness, even though many people still associate their happiness with another person.
What have we inherited from the past?
The historical model of relationships
For a long time relationships were built on traditional ideas of what a union is.
Hierarchy
The woman obeyed the man and made do with what her husband provided. He set the rules: where to live, how to spend the income, how to bring up the children.
Division of roles
The man was the main breadwinner, the woman looked after the home and the children. If each partner did their part, the marriage was considered a success.
The extended family
Traditionally several generations lived under one roof, for economic and social reasons. The elders helped the “young ones”, imposing their own rules and views.
Why does this model no longer fit the times?
From tradition to modernity
The events of the last 150 years have put the traditional family under threat:
Emancipation — women’s independence reached a new level. They gained the right to vote and access to education and to careers of their choice. Today nobody is surprised by a woman in a senior position or as a president.
A change of roles — the traditional role of the male breadwinner becomes vulnerable; he seems to lose control in the relationship, while the woman gains financial independence. Now both partners focus on career and self-fulfilment. An unspoken struggle for power begins.
A reassessment of values — the sexual revolution radically changed people’s attitudes to sex. Contraception made it possible to plan the number of children. Sex was taken out of the framework of marriage, creating new norms and an interest in sexuality.
Rethinking the family — attitudes to divorce changed fundamentally. According to Russia’s statistics service, in the second half of the 20th century the number of divorces in the country grew fivefold — every second marriage breaks up.
Urbanisation — the growth of cities helped the “nuclear” family (only parents and children) separate from the patriarchal one (where several generations lived together).
Outsourcing household chores — paid help with children and housekeeping is on the rise.
The evolution of relationships
Relationships are no longer “a necessity for survival”. Emotional and personal factors come to the fore. People look for a partner not to fill roles but for a deep exchange of values, including sexual ones.
The emotional and meaningful exchange within a marriage becomes practically the only thing holding it together. The shift towards feelings makes relationships fragile: they hang on the thin threads of personal comfort and ideas of what is right.
The value of a marriage is now measured not by its outward stability but by the inner quality of the relationship, and partners choose the form of relationship that suits them.
Modern forms of relationships
Modern forms of relationships are perfectly summed up in the words of the famous Russian musician Viktor Tsoi: “Things won’t be the way they were, and how they will be, nobody knows.”
Couples are moving further and further away from traditional frameworks, towards a wide variety of forms of union.
For example, besides familiar monogamy there is polygamy, in which one partner has several spouses. In around 50 countries various forms of polygamy are recognised by law.
The “Boston marriage” is gaining popularity — a partnership, usually between two women, formed not for romance but for practical purposes such as raising children together, economic benefit and support. Older people may also form such a union to care for each other.
“Living apart together” is also becoming common. The partners live separately, keeping their personal space, independence and freedom, while honouring their commitments to each other and maintaining sexual and emotional contact.
What matters most in any form of relationship is emotional closeness, acceptance and understanding of your partner.
What makes it difficult?
Unfortunately, every union runs into difficulties. Let’s look at a few of the main reasons.
A lack of time and attention — career, self-fulfilment, social and public activities, caring for and raising children leave no room for keeping a relationship alive and harmonious.
Technology that is meant to make life easier can strain a relationship when partners monitor each other’s social media and messages.
Besides, on the internet it is easy to find a partner for sex or for a trip to the theatre — and neither is “a reason to get to know each other”.
Gadgets also offer emotional contact — you can talk deeply and personally with someone online without even knowing their real name.
How can you help yourself and give your relationship a chance?
A few tips:
Set your priorities
Ask yourself: would you be happy without a relationship? This helps you focus on what matters.
Have open conversations
Talk about more than everyday matters. Don’t be afraid to ask personal questions and to raise important topics such as the future of your relationship, your personal fears and desires.
In conversation you can also set long-term goals, discuss the stages and share out the tasks. A shared project brings a couple together and builds trust.
Develop your psychological literacy
Whatever times we live in, it is worth striving to build a harmonious relationship. Psychology helps you understand yourself and your partner better — which strengthens the emotional bond between you and raises your chances of happiness in your personal life.
Couples therapy can also help “heal” a marriage: resolve conflicts and restore closeness. Or end the relationship in a way that is relatively painless for both partners and their children.
Conclusion:
As we have seen, the future of relationships is not so much their disappearance as a variety of scenarios. The main trend is not keeping to socially established templates but finding an individual path for each union.
The couple sets its own boundaries, shares out roles and responsibilities, and defines common values and goals. This way partners can find a balance between each one’s freedom and their shared harmony, and make their union strong and happy.
Family psychologist, clinical psychologist, IFS, EFT and EMDR therapist · 11 years in practice
In my work I follow these principles: — care and respect for my clients; — understanding, support and openness; — looking after myself, with regular supervision and personal therapy; — evidence-based methods; — ethics and confidentiality; — continuous professional development.
