When you meet them, it feels as if there is a great star inside them, drawing you in with its warm, gracious light, shining softly and steadily. They seem to love the whole world and live in harmony with themselves and others; you literally soak up their powerful energy. How do they do it? How did they gain this amazing ability? There is no secret — they have learned to love themselves, and everything else follows.
What is self-love?
the inner reasons:
We all come across this term quite often, but hardly anyone properly explains what it means — what it is and how to love yourself. In today’s article we shed light on this question and give practical advice on how to learn to love yourself.
From a psychological point of view, self-love has several components:
valuing yourself;
respecting your personal boundaries;
confidence;
lightness;
activity.
But this list is unlikely to help you understand how you really treat yourself — whether you love yourself, are only playing a part, or have locked your self-love away in a deep dungeon. That is why psychologists have drawn up a list of criteria to help you answer this difficult question.
Signs of self-love
the main signs and differences:
1. Paying attention to your body’s signals. Every signal (thirst, headache, tiredness, hunger and so on) is a kind of hint about what form of love you need here and now. If you dull a headache with pills and don’t give yourself even an hour’s rest when you’re overtired, you don’t love yourself. Full relaxation in response to tiredness and a relaxing massage instead of a pill are signs of caring for your body — and so of loving yourself.
2. Paying attention to your true desires. If you give up a long-awaited swim or yoga class, say, to do the housework, there can be no talk of self-love. If you don’t cook your favourite dish just because your partner wants something else, that is again about not loving yourself.
3. The time you set aside for yourself. You like a walk before bed, a gripping book or some handicraft, but there’s never enough time? In fact there is time — you just don’t allow yourself to set it aside, which means you consider yourself unworthy of it.
4. Spending time with people who bring positive emotions into your life. If you drop empty socialising with people you don’t particularly like, you are taking care of your circle and choosing its shape yourself. Otherwise, you don’t love yourself at all.
5. Being able to bring clarity to your relationship with your partner and to leave places where you aren’t valued or respected — a boring job, a circle of acquaintances whose interests aren’t yours, a person you don’t love (even if you share children, a home, a mortgage and so on).
6. Taking responsibility for your role in life. You are responsible for your decisions, interests and passions. What you allow yourself is what you get — provided you draw your conclusions responsibly.
7. Being able to enjoy life. Do you like savouring a cup of coffee in bed, idling at lunchtime or reading your favourite books late into the night? Let yourself live like that, if you love yourself!
8. Not blaming yourself for mistakes or criticising yourself for failures. Accepting mistakes, focusing on successes and never criticising yourself — that is how a person who loves themselves acts.
9. Accepting your emotions and being able to express them. A person has the right to negative emotions, and that is completely normal — we aren’t robots. When you love yourself, you allow yourself to name what you feel: “I’m scared”, “I don’t like this”, “I miss you” and so on.
10. Not depending on other people’s opinions. This means you shape your own mood rather than sinking into depression or deep resentment because of something someone said about you or something they did.
11. Liking yourself. You don’t need other people’s approval of how you look. It’s enough to look in the mirror to know you like yourself — not only your body but who you are inside.
12. No chronic guilt for what you have done or haven’t done yet. You are by definition not to blame for other people’s mistakes, your boss’s bad mood, your partner’s absent-mindedness, a rude shop assistant and so on. If you really haven’t done anything wrong, don’t load the burden of guilt onto your shoulders — this is another criterion of self-love.
13. Making time for both work and rest, and refusing to work yourself into the ground. Yes, you can literally “burn out” at work trying to be the best and earn a kind word from your boss. Do you need that? Does it make you happier? People who love themselves never do this, because no workaholic has ever saved the world or made it happier.
14. Allowing yourself to be different. A person who loves themselves doesn’t try to play a role invented to please everyone. They allow themselves to be different depending on the circumstances, rather than becoming an actor in their own life.
15. Being able to respect other people. How you treat others is a projection of how you treat yourself. Say no when you need to. Help if you are asked and helping isn’t a sacrifice for you. Respect other people’s personal space and protect your own from “unauthorised intrusions”.
16. Believing in yourself. The most valuable person is you. You can achieve anything, even move mountains, because you need no one’s approval or criticism for it. If you find that inner core in yourself (and everyone has one), you will be able to go halfway round the world. Belief gives rise to strength, and as the American psychotherapist Wayne Dyer said: “You’ll see it when you believe it.”
17. Taking care of your health. This doesn’t mean constant trips to doctors and buying a whole list of medicines — it means being able to feel your body and respond to its needs, giving it timely support with effective but safe methods. Instead of immune boosters, cold-water conditioning and foods that support the immune system; instead of coffee when you’re literally dropping, a couple of hours of real rest, and so on.
Self-love is work — yes, you read that right! It doesn’t come from nowhere; it is the result of working on yourself (on your own or with a psychologist or psychotherapist). It is often compared to a muscle that needs training so it doesn’t waste away.
What to do to build and maintain self-love:
Show kindness more often and do good deeds — just because, without thinking about how others will react.
Go to places where you feel cosy and comfortable, where you relax and recharge.
Spend time alone where no one will disturb you — where you can be with yourself, reflect and feel at peace.
Spend more time with people you like.
Spend more time with animals — they make us purer and kinder in an amazing way, because in their world there is no envy or meanness, hatred or contempt.
Keep your dignity; don’t humble yourself before anyone.
Filter your circle — in other words, don’t mix with just anyone; shape your own social circle.
Don’t get drawn into vices and questionable pleasures — they destroy a person from within.
Don’t expect rewards or praise from others — praise and reward yourself.
Notice more often what gives you strength.
Stick to this short list of rules and you will notice a wonderful feeling of self-love awakening inside you. It has a miraculous power — to change the quality of your life for the better. Isn’t that what you wanted?
Self-love is a priceless art, and anyone who has decided once and for all to change their life for the better and to find joy, harmony, success and abundance can master it. As soon as you learn its basics, pleasant and sometimes unexpected changes will start to happen regularly.
Why is a lack of self-love dangerous?
If you don’t love yourself, a series of fatal mistakes and problems is guaranteed — in effect, you are destroying yourself, helped along by destructive programmes that you have often created yourself.
Not loving yourself has many negative consequences, because with such an attitude you simply give up on yourself — on your feelings and desires, needs and ambitions. And you certainly won’t win understanding and love from others if you don’t love yourself.
Not loving yourself causes problems in social life, because what matters to you is what others will think and say and how they will judge you (if they judge you at all). All of this lowers your self-esteem, and you may even fall into a deep depression.
Is self-love selfishness?
And finally: self-love is not selfishness (don’t confuse the two!) — it is self-acceptance. According to the psychologist, sociologist and philosopher Erich Fromm, one’s own self can be an object of love, and this is perfectly normal — just as when another person becomes the object of love.
He wrote: “If an individual is able to love productively, he loves himself too; if he can love only others, he cannot love at all.”
Self-love has nothing to do with selfishness! As Fromm saw it, it is “the affirmation of one’s own life, happiness, growth and freedom, rooted in one’s capacity to love — that is, in care, respect, responsibility and knowledge.”
Love yourself, and the whole world around you will take on new colours — because you will become that very sun whose inviting light changes life for the better!
Family psychologist, clinical psychologist, IFS, EFT and EMDR therapist · 11 years in practice
In my work I follow these principles: — care and respect for my clients; — understanding, support and openness; — looking after myself, with regular supervision and personal therapy; — evidence-based methods; — ethics and confidentiality; — continuous professional development.
