In this article we look at current views on the meaning and origins of sexual fantasies, and at hypotheses about what shapes particular fantasies.
The psychology of sex
The contradictory nature of the human psyche
A vivid, rich erotic life grows out of the interplay of fantasies and desires that often come into open conflict with each other: “good” fantasies argue with “bad” ones, and even with fantasies considered ugly. Sexual fantasies open a window onto our inner, unconscious life — who we want to be and who we are afraid of being.
So as we grow up, we learn that among the fantasies that arouse us, some are considered acceptable and good, others unacceptable and bad, and still others disgusting and ugly. As a result, while good erotic fantasies feed our positive self-esteem, bad and ugly desires give rise to guilt and shame.
One of the aims of psychotherapy is to help people see and accept the various bad and ugly parts of themselves. Accepting our aggression, lust, hunger for power or wish to submit stimulates the erotic imagination and inspires a creative approach to lovemaking. On the other hand, placing strict limits on people’s erotic imagination (“I may only fantasise about my husband”) often leads to a kind of erotic shutdown and can bring monotony and disappointment.
At the same time, the human psyche is capable of various erotic states — feeling tenderness, lust and aggression towards the same person, but at different times. Hot sex often draws on animal aggressive impulses and temporarily sets aside tender, loving feelings for our partners. So at some times we may idealise and worship the people we love, and at others we may enjoy objectifying and dominating them.
“Sexual fantasies are a theatre, a space for play where we try on roles and extremes we are not used to,” confirms sexologist and psychoanalyst Alain Héril. “Sexuality can be a space of freedom and even of healing, if we understand that what matters is not to act out every fantasy for real, but to feed our desire by coming close to them and living them out only in part.”
Sexual fantasies are a theatre
Some fantasies reveal deeper problems
Sexual fantasies can reveal problems with intimacy. It is dangerous when people use fantasy to keep or widen the distance between them. After 30 years of marriage, a man or a woman may replace their spouse with someone else in their fantasies. If he or she has to fantasise about someone else while making love, the relationship needs help.
And if, for example, a man has to play out a fantasy of brutal sadism in his mind before he can become aroused at all, that is a psychological problem. Such a habit of compulsive, obligatory fantasies makes it more likely that someone will try to act them out in real life, which can lead to serious problems.
The causes and meaning of sexual fantasies
How do our fantasies reflect our needs — in other words, what hidden meaning might lie behind fantasies from group sex to BDSM?
When we hear or read about other people’s sexual fantasies, we tend to focus on a specific act — sex with several partners, say, or sadomasochism — and on the physical sensations that go with it. But our fantasies are often far more complex and go well beyond physical gratification. In fact, we often try to meet deeper psychological needs through our fantasies. Depending on what a person needs at a given moment, they may well be drawn to very different kinds of sexual fantasies.
Imagine someone who fantasises a lot about passion and romance. What might these fantasies mean? Frequent passionate and romantic fantasies may be linked to a wish to feel loved and emotionally connected to a partner. So when people fantasise about watching a sunset together and then making love all night by the sea, it may give them the sense of love and closeness they crave.
And what if, for example, a man or a woman fantasises a lot about, say, group sex? What might that say about their psychological needs? One hypothesis is that frequent fantasies about group sex are linked to a wish to feel sexually competent and irresistible. This makes sense, because in group-sex scenarios participants most often described themselves as the centre of attention.
When a person has several partners who are so interested in them, it lets them feel very attractive and desired. But that’s not all. Being able to please and sexually satisfy several people at once helps a person feel recognised for their sexual abilities.
People who fantasise about BDSM, and especially about the masochistic role, speak of a need for approval and to feel desired. The arousal of receiving pain helps them focus on the here and now instead of being distracted by their inner monologue. This helps people temporarily shed insecurities and anxieties that might otherwise get in the way of sexual pleasure.
The sexual fantasies of Evgeny, 37
a senior manager from St Petersburg
Evgeny is a senior manager and fully supports himself and his wife financially, allowing her not to work; in return she organises her life around his schedule and his needs. Although in life Evgeny is used to a dominant position, in his fantasies he imagines himself in a submissive position to his wife. Sometimes his wife’s place in his fantasies is taken by another woman he once worked with.
In the fantasy he is tied to the bed, teased and bitten, and tested to see how many times he can come and how long he can bear the pain of a whip.
The highly competitive environment and the challenges Evgeny faces every day at work are the equivalent of lashes on bare skin, but in his bedroom he can let go of the wheel and trust his partner. For an hour he can set aside his drive to achieve and return to the state of the first days of life, when he was entirely in the power of another person (the maternal object).
The benefits of fantasies — and should we talk about them?
Almost everyone has a fantasy or a fetish that turns them on in the bedroom (or elsewhere). People are curious about what excites them, but they are often too shy to reveal their most intimate fantasies to their partners or even to their therapists. Yet it is worth understanding the benefits of fantasies. “Fantasies can be a really important part of a relationship. Being able to share what excites you can make a relationship deeper and more fulfilling,” says psychotherapist Christine Tolman. Being able to say your secret desires out loud in the safe space of a psychological consultation can be the first step towards a more sincere and trusting relationship with your partner.
It is important to note that in many ways our sexual fantasies are therapeutic. They not only help us experience sexual pleasure but also help meet the psychological needs we have at the moment.
What seems most important to me is that people who have learned to accept their sexual desires and integrate them into their sex lives in a healthy way feel better psychologically than those who suppress their desires and try to run away from them.
