Loving yourself — or the story of a one-of-a-kind jam

My fridge holds lots of jars of traditional jam that I make year after year — and only three jars of an original, inimitable one. It came about by accident. I was doing a live broadcast and forgot that a gorgeous jam — gooseberry with orange — was simmering on the hob. Only when I smelled caramel did I realise it had caught. I was very upset, but decided to taste it — and lo and behold! The jam had a “smoky” taste on top of the sourness and the aromas of gooseberry and orange. It was superb, but, to my regret, impossible to repeat — and therefore very precious. Its taste and smell are a luxury for me; I serve it only with expensive champagne. Dry brut and the sweetness of caramel with fruity aromas. However often I try to repeat it — to cook it and deliberately not keep an eye on it — it doesn’t work… It is one of a kind!

Loving yourself

a person’s true values

Changing the jam recipe happened by accident, and it is only a recipe — but what if you apply this to your life? Ask yourself: what kind of jam are you?

You can buy frozen cherries, add sugar, boil them for five minutes and — what a miracle — have a delicious dessert in the middle of winter. And anyone can repeat this recipe. Anyone…

But what is individual and your own about you and your path in life? Can anyone repeat your recipe? Or does your individuality make you inimitable — and therefore precious?

*People often torment their “self” with other people’s values, squeezing themselves into frames called “how it should be”, “the right way” and “what will people say”.*

Who says it should be? Right for whom?
And then one morning you suddenly wake up to your own inner scream: “I’m not living my own life!” This unexpected discovery leaves you frightened and lonely. I want to reassure you: turning in another direction is absolutely normal. As a rule, we make this discovery ourselves. And most of us are shocked by it. But our loved ones are even more shocked. And so it begins…

“What do you mean, you don’t want to be an engineer, a doctor, a journalist (delete as appropriate) any more?”

“So five years of study down the drain?”

“Go on, throw it all away — and end up on the scrap heap in your old age!”

I’m not living my own life

And the person tucks their tail between their legs, forces their will, pretends everything is fine and develops neuroses — only to wake up one morning again to their own scream at the unbearableness of being. Happy are those who aren’t afraid and try to change something. After all, “trying” is not only allowed but necessary. Nobody blames you for buying different kinds of cheese and trying different wines instead of making do with pasta and mince all your life.

So why should you make do with one profession, live with someone you don’t love and never try a parachute jump, or swim out to the buoys at least once without an inflatable mattress, climb a mountain or simply grow cucumbers on your windowsill? There is so much that is beautiful and unexplored in the world — don’t limit yourself.

At introductory meetings clients often say they are afraid to change and to change their lives. Afraid…

Fear (strakh). Judging by related words in neighbouring languages (for example, Lithuanian “strogti” — “to go numb”), the original meaning of this word was “numbness”, being “rooted to the spot” with horror.

Horror (uzhas). Derived from the verb “uzhasiti” — “to frighten, to terrify”, formed from “zhasiti” — “to scare, to frighten, to terrify”.

So when we think about change, we go rigid and numb with what frightens and horrifies us — and what frightens us is change. I became very curious about where the Russian word for “go numb” comes from:

“motionless”,
“to freeze”,
“to perish”,
“carrion”.
“to die, to perish, to croak”
“to become motionless, hard, rigid”.

It turns out you have already died, perished, turned into carrion… Motionless and hard. How sad it all is — watching the living dead, spiritually and in life, forget about their potential and the opportunities that lie behind unlocking it. So perhaps it is worth starting to change this state before it sets for good. And to stop pretending that everything is fine in your life.

In my practice I meet three types of people:

• people who act on their desires and goals;

• people who act when something has finally driven them to the edge;

• people who don’t act, even if something — or a great deal — doesn’t suit them in their lives.

Seth Godin wrote: “You can wait for things to settle down. When the kids are older, when work is calmer, when the economy picks up, when the weather improves, when your back stops hurting… The thing is, the people who are different from you and me never wait for the right time. They know it will never come. Instead they take risks and start acting even when they can’t get enough sleep, have no money, are hungry, their house is a mess and it’s snowing outside. Every time it happens. Because the time comes every day.”

Remember yourself as a child — children have it easier, they’re curious! How does this work… and they twist it and turn it, look at it, imagine, try… What if I push the square block into the round hole?

I believe the question “What if?” is the main question of progress and transformation, of the magic of change and of every possibility. And as a mother I can say with confidence that you can often fit the round into the square and the triangle into the rhombus — and everything is wonderful as long as there is interest and curiosity to find out, to try, to look inside: how does it work, and what will happen if this happens?

What will happen if the changes you want come into your life? And what will you want after that? And in ten years? And what won’t happen if you stay in the pose of the living dead and the changes you want never come?

Turn to specialists if in your life there was parental devaluation or limiting messages such as:

• you won’t be able to

• you’re so clumsy

• you always talk nonsense

• not with your figure, weight, looks…

• all the women in our family…

• the men in our family…

Because now these words underlie your fear of acting and affect your self-esteem; they limit you and create your own particular fears: of envy, of rejection, of loneliness or, on the contrary, of closeness, of big money… They create “learned helplessness” and a “comfort zone” in your life. And as you move from one life situation to the next, they create a closed circle in which energy, like air in a closed space, doesn’t last long.

So how can I help myself? you ask. You can find support from people who matter to you or from a psychoanalyst or a coach. Don’t throw yourself into change as if from a ski jump; move in small steps and celebrate every achievement and change. Don’t get upset and give up if there are setbacks:

1. find support from a psychologist, coach, psychoanalyst, therapy group, people who matter to you and so on;

2. see in the new not only difficulties but also the interest of something new and not yet known;

3. don’t rush headlong forward, but move in small steps, celebrating every small achievement and victory;

4. see in the new not only difficulties and the fear of the new and unknown, but also opportunities and accomplishments.

P.S. They say you can also make strawberry jam with mint, and it is fantastically delicious.