Svetlana and Vitaly (the clients’ names have been changed) took a long time to make it to a psychologist’s office.
By the time they reached me, they were on the verge of divorce. Mutual resentment and grievances, conflicts and constant anxiety did nothing for normal family life.
When we began to untangle this knot of feelings, it turned out that every evening after work Vitaly “escaped” into the world of online games. Svetlana is a freelancer; she is at home all the time and works a lot. By the evening she wants to talk to her husband and take her mind off work. But the conversations didn’t happen. And Svetlana started “escaping” too — into her work. All of this undermined the secure bond between them and stirred up even more anxiety.
Yes, we managed to save the family. Svetlana and Vitaly heard each other, understood the cause of their anxiety and the nature of the problem that had been troubling them. And the “rivals” — online games and work — were set aside.
Partners’ complaints about each other often seem far-fetched. So what if the wife is always on her phone — maybe she is a blogger and it is her job. So what if the husband plays a few rounds of “World of Tanks” — that’s nothing. He’s at home, after all, not out somewhere.
Yet a conflict gradually builds up. At its heart is a lack of emotional availability. One partner has to turn to other objects to relieve stress, share emotions and meet their needs.
And that is when a competing attachment arises. And that is a real threat to the relationship!
The other partner ends up having to fight for their loved one’s attention. And the rival is not necessarily a person. It might be a gadget, a computer game, pornography and so on.
On the other side.
A person may not even realise they are caught up in a competing attachment. Many things play a part here, including their level of emotional intelligence.
And what about their partner? They feel disappointment, jealousy, pain. They feel their loved one drifting away and sense the distance physically and emotionally. Naturally, satisfaction with the relationship fades away — and then the relationship itself.
So what can competing attachments look like? Addictions, affairs, gaming, dependence on a smartphone or on a family member. In short, anything that makes a partner COMPETE with this “other” for the relationship.
Hobbies.
Not all attachments are the same.
Any of us can have a perfectly healthy attachment to tennis, say, or travel. Or to reading, or knitting — in short, to anything we call a hobby.
These attachments don’t make a partner feel they have a rival and pose no threat to the relationship.
If two people are in a secure relationship, a hobby simply cannot turn into a competing attachment.
Social media, games, smartphones.
You have certainly heard of internet addiction.
Another popular term is phubbing — snubbing someone in favour of your phone. Imagine meeting up with friends you haven’t seen for ages. And instead of talking, two of your best friends sit staring at their phones. That is phubbing.
Sad as it is, real human interaction is shrinking. Adult gamers admit that they have to sacrifice important parts of their lives to keep up their gaming status.
Those who know phubbing first-hand say their partner values the virtual world above all. There are even support groups for “gaming widows”.
Naturally, satisfaction with the relationship declines and the conflict between partners grows.
Pornography.
Two types of competing attachment can hide here: infidelity and addiction. Sometimes a partner perceives an interest in porn as a form of infidelity. In fact, porn addiction develops when a person needs to relieve stress or ease feelings of shame, or when there is no sense of unity in the relationship.
If one partner in a couple is into pornography, the other often tries to compete with the actors on screen — and realises they are losing. Clearly, this cannot help but damage the relationship.
Flirtations and affairs.
Infidelity is one of the main reasons relationships break down.
Partners may be willing to put up with other forms of competing attachment, but infidelity only has to happen once for the relationship to be in danger.
Interestingly, low satisfaction with a relationship is both a consequence and a cause of infidelity. A person feels anxious, the relationship seems “not right”, and they start looking for the “right” one elsewhere.
But if the attachment to the person and the relationship is secure, infidelity is unlikely.
Rivals.
We may see as rivals the people our loved one spends time with — and this isn’t even about romance. For example, it could be a friend of the opposite sex with whom your wife or husband often talks.
Sometimes even family members can become rivals! A man may even see his own child as a rival. Or a wife competes with her mother-in-law for her place in the family.
Yes, attachments matter enormously to us, whatever our age or stage of life. But not all of them become competing attachments.
Family psychologist, clinical psychologist, IFS, EFT and EMDR therapist · 11 years in practice
In my work I follow these principles: — care and respect for my clients; — understanding, support and openness; — looking after myself, with regular supervision and personal therapy; — evidence-based methods; — ethics and confidentiality; — continuous professional development.
